From walker to racer

In the past I have made resolutions and only succeeded partially but today I feel a strong need for change and improvement not just for me but others like me.  I decided about 2 weeks ago that I wanted to train to run a marathon. I spent hours reading articles and looking through Facebook and Instagram of all the many others that have gone and are going through this process. I felt so motivated and excited but the more research I did the more I started to doubt my success, you see the advice and training tips that I was receiving was coming from athletes. Many didn't understand the struggles of being overweight or suffered through chafing. Would never understand what it feels like to want to cry when you can't catch your breath after a few minutes of jogging. While reading about these amazing runners I heard struggles of going through too many sneakers before a big race or improving their PR times by 15 minutes.  In my lifetime I have never worn out a pair of sneakers, I usually tossed them when they no longer fit and though I have improved my PR (personal record, for those who needed google to clarify like me) time in the year I did my first 10 K to a year later when I did my second, that was the last race I ran and I was still doing 10 minute miles.  I did read through a handful of people who have also transformed their lives and are now inspiring others to do the same. I decided that I too can motivate and inspire. I am the mother of three children, a preteen, a 4 year old with special needs and the youngest is still breastfeeding. I have 2 jobs as a nurse working 36-60 hours a week. I'm going back to school for my bachelors. I have an awesome husband who I plan on spending more time with. Our family just moved cross country and figuring out our new environment. With all of these things on my plate I still plan on changing my life and becoming the athlete I see myself being. I will run races, obstacles courses and marathons and be amazing at them. I am no longer doubtful, I am excited for this journey and others that will do it with me. So I changed my instagram and blog name and only kept 10 entries from my previous life. I am No longer a slow running mama I am an athletic racer! If Ann can, you can.

 

Making no more plans

"If you want to make God laugh tell him about your plans." - Woody Allen

I honestly don't think that God laughs at my misfortune or when things don't work out. My God is an awesome God and only wants the best for me. I do think however that if your plans are destroyed he helps you find the light and leads you to the right path, if you listen.

I lost my way many times, had my doubts, question my life and his power and each time I take a step back and see that he's still there for me, has not abandoned me and I'm a stronger person for it. This post isn't about my religion but I felt the need to say this, so when I read this back to myself I remember to go to him. What this post is about is this path that I'm taking full of bumps on the way, distractions and at times utter chaos. 

In 1998 I graduated high school, I went off to Kean University to study Physical Therapy. This has been my plan since I assisted in my grandmother's therapy session and saw that the sessions involved playing with balloons, dancing, hopscotch, and a number of other games. In 2000, I lost my Angel and moved back home, I was supposed to take a year off and then return to school however my mom and stepdad separate at that time and my mother was struggling along with my little sisters so I couldn't go. I stayed and helped my family get through this bump. 

In 2001 I joined the military I went off to basic training in Fort Leonard Wood Missouri. I had an awful reaction to one of the many injections I received to the point that I wasn't healing fast enough. After 7 weeks away I was sent home to heal, because I had a mandatory return date and would have to complete basic at a later time. I came back home in June 2001, I did my one weekend a month with a great reserve unit in Philadelphia. In September the twin towers fell and slowly during each of our weekend sessions they were preparing our unit for activation. In June 2002, 2 weeks before I was suppose to return to finish basic training I got into a horrible car accident. My doctors, chiropractors, and therapists would not sign my medical release stating that leaving for such demanding physical training would hinder my healing process. My contract was voided due to my injuries and 3 months later my unit was activated. 

In 2002 my fiancé and I separated. He had been my only real boyfriend for 5 years and I didn't know how to be single started a new relationship shortly after.

Still in 2002 I started taking classes at my local community college towards my Physical Therapy Assistant degree. After a year of prerequisites I applied and got accepted into the program. A few weeks before the new semester was to start I received a letter from the college stating that the program would be put on hold for a year. A whole year with nothing to do was upsetting to me. At work I told a friend who recommended the LPN program. She stated it was a year long and after I was finish I could work as a LPN while I went to school for my PT degree. I went and was accepted into the program. I went to school and worked as a home health aide, I loved both the personal experience and school. A year later when I finished I was no longer interested in becoming a physical therapist, I wanted to be a nurse, that was my true calling. 

  

In 2006 I got engaged and my fiancé and I started making plans for our wedding. In 2007, after 5 years in a relationship and 2 months prior to our wedding our relationship crumbled. I was left with the task of canceling the wedding, sending out uninvitation cards and being in a awful funk. 

In 2007 I decided to move to Philadelphia and start fresh. My job at the Hospital of the University of Philadelphia was amazing and offered free tuition to any school. I was accepted into La Salle University and started taking classes towards my BSN.

In 2008 I was in a good place, working during the day, going to school some evenings and in a great relationship. At this time I learned that my aunt was trying to get custody of one of my niece that was in foster care however due to a medical condition she wasn't able to. My other uncle and his wife had considered it however were in the process of a divorce. I felt compelled to step forward and with the encouragement of my boyfriend I started the process to take custody and started weekly visits with this precious child.  The process was lagging and finally one of our social worker informed me that it was taking longer because we lived in a different state. It didn't take me long to pack and move back to Jersey and before the year was up I officially became the guardian of a preschooler! 

In 2009 after spending almost a year commuting the hour to and from work and school I decided to put school on hold and get a job in New Jersey to spend more time with my new child and get use to being a mom. On a whim I looked into a job at an agency. I started working with Maxim Health Care and after a while found out how much I truly enjoyed my new job. 

Again things were looking good 2010 Kenny received his kidney transplant and I was finally able to officially adopt Tiffany. 2011 I started taking classes at a local school. 

In 2012, after being engaged to twice before I decided to propose to a stunned Kenny on leap day. He said yes and we started our plans for a wedding. These plans were put on hold when I found out I was pregnant, though in shock because we didn't think we would be able to have biological children without assistance, we were both thrilled. We moved to a new town with more space for all of us plus a great school for Tiffany. Unfortunately the pregnancy was a difficult one. I went on maternity leave a lot sooner than expected and because my disability payments were so low we had to dig into our savings just to stay afloat. By the end of 2012 we were in the negative, in the process of a short sale and no saving. But the birth of our beautiful healthy baby boy somehow made it all worth it. 

I was happy to return to work in 2013 after a 6 months hiatus. Though I missed not being able to see my son every day I was fortunate to have my mom, aunt and his daddy Kenny take turns watching him. We spent 2013 adjusting to being the parents of two children and getting our budget back in the positive.

In 2014 our landlord passed away, shortly after we started receiving letters from the bank to him and though we couldn't open them and his widow didn't answer our calls or letters we found out that the condo was in foreclosure. Fearing being kicked out into the streets with 2 kids we moved...again this time right across the street so no change in the school my daughter attended. Kenny and I also decided that we would let go of the traditional wedding and plan a destination wedding in Mexico. The plans were fun and exciting and I couldn't wait to share with our family members about it and then have a big BBQ to celebrate with the rest of our love ones when we returned to the states. The problem was that out of the 25 people we wanted to be there only about 10 could actually afford to go. This put our plans on hold again but only for a while. We decided on a whim to have a small ceremony in the park and a champagne brunch with 80 of our closest friends and family members. It was simple, beautiful and perfect because we made it happen. 

In 2015 we found out that I was pregnant again with our honeymoon baby. The joys of being pregnant were a little distracting with the fear that I would again have a difficult pregnancy and this time we wouldn't have savings to fall back on. We hated the feeling of always having to catch up. We wanted to buy a house, a car, and both of us wanted to be able to finish school but life was getting in the way of our future. Financially we couldn't make it work and not knowing how much longer I had until I wasn't able to work anymore made our fears unbearable. That's when it happened, we put a thought of into the universe and I ran with it. Let's move to Nevada! The cost of living was cheaper and surprisingly both Kenny and I could have jobs making the same amount of money. We could afford going back to school since that was cheaper too, and the best thing I had a handful of relatives which includes 2 sisters, a few cousins, aunts and uncles. We did the research, visited our new home and made the final decision. At the end of the school year and after the baby comes we are heading out! This was a decision with many different emotions but overall I knew it was the best one for our family.

June 11,2015; Kenny takes the day off so he is able to come with me to my 36 weeks ultrasound. Due to scheduling conflicts he was never able to come to one, not with KJ or baby J. I was super excited for this and it was finally here. I knew it wasn't a typical ultrasound, the tech brought in a perinatologist who after looking for a while brought in a colleague. KJ grew impatient and he and daddy went to take a walk. They decided to perform a slightly more invasive procedure to get a better look at the baby's brain.  I was in the room with 3 strangers discussing the test in lots of clutter medical terminology that I couldn't recall from my text books. What I did pick up was when the doctor would say things like, "...this is where we would see the blah blah, and it isn't visible here."  After the test the doctors explained what they were discussing in as simple terms as possible. I was devastated by the news and also optimistic about the possibility of it being all wrong. Since then our plans are on pause. We don't know what to do or where to go. We pray, our family and friends pray, even strangers pray for the best outcome.

I don't think God is laughing at our plans, I think he's trying to help us along this new road. I'm praying that I'm strong enough to deal with yet another detour. 

What I packed in my hospital bag.

I will officially be 37 weeks tomorrow and since KJ was born at 37 weeks I decided to pack up my hospital bag. I had the best list I used for KJ's birth but after searching the net for an hour I wasn't able to locate the one for me so I decided to make me own and save it to share with my friends along with if we ever decide to have more children. I skipped some of the things different sites recommend like reading material and music but that's me personally if it is something you feel you need take it with you. 

 I took pictures of most of the items since a visual is almost always best. 

Toiletries: toothbrush, toothpaste,razor, shaving cream, shampoo/conditioner (I currently use a 2 in 1 cowash), hair ties, deodorant, lotion,Chapstick, nipple cream, contact solution, extra contacts, eye glasses, and tucks pad (tmi but if you don't have them by now the pushing will definitely bring on the hemorrhoids). 

I don't have a picture of my face and body wash, though the hospital has soap it isn't my favorite so I bring my own.  I saw some sites recommend makeup but I honestly didn't have the energy for it during our 3 days there, and I doubt I will this time around either.

When you get to the hospital you will most likely put on their hospital gown however after the baby is born you want to be comfortable and look nice for pictures so here are my recommendations for mommies. Comfortable pajamas, a robe, nursing bra (even if you don't think that you will breastfed it is good to have one just in case), nursing pads, nursing tank, comfy socks, underwear (though I love the mesh panties my hospital supplies), shower shoes (I'm using and old pair of flip flops). 

The hospital we are scheduled to have our son provides onesies, diapers and they give him his first bath. They didn't have wipes just some 4x4 that we can wet and use but I'm spoiled and prefer the wipes so here are the things we brought for the baby. 

Wipes, going home outfit (baby J is due July 5th so this is a festive red,white and blue outfit) a blanket, boppy pillow (if you are going to nurse this is a must, I had the hardest time the first few months trying to nurse without it), burp cloth and nursing cover.

Here are a few other things that mommies will need. A mommy going home outfit (don't try to fit into your prepregnancy wardrobe, something from maybe your 6 months, in my case these are clothes I had before my 42lb weight loss) I have a pair of flats I can't pull off the Princess Kate 3 inch heels, I have heavy duty pads (though the hospital does provide some; if I run out of the pads I also have a depends underwear for going home in case you haven't heard the first week after birth it seems as though your body makes up for the 9 months prior), camera with sims card, camera charger, cell phone and cellphone charger.

I don't have pictures of the paperwork that you need; your ID (drivers license), insurance card and pediatrician information. I didn't need my birth plan with my son and didn't even make one this time around but if it makes you feel better to have it, bring it with you.

Most important thing is a car seat you can't leave the hospital without one so have it ready, we will be installing ours this week. 

Well now that's done we will just sit back and wait. Praying for the best for our baby and a speedy delivery and recovery for me. Can't wait to meet our new blessing! 

Chasing after the kids

A few months ago I changed the concept of this blog instead of posting about random life events I wanted to focus on my top goal of my bucket list, to run a half marathon in all 50 states and other races and training in my way to my goal. What I didn't know was that shortly after making that change I would be pregnant with our third child and due to previous complications I had to put running on hold. I'm now 35 weeks pregnant which means only 2 weeks until he's full term, 5 weeks until my due date and a few weeks until I can start running again. I'm so excited about it that I'm forgetting a small detail that may effect my running schedule, the fact that I will then be a mom to a tween, a toddler and a newborn. The fact that I will be chasing after 2 little kids and keeping up with the needs of a preteen makes me more nervous than training for my first half by the end of the year, so when my friend needed a sitter for her 1 year old I jumped at the chance to help her out and get a feeling of what it would be like to run around with 2 little kids. After this day I can't say I'm better prepared just that I have an amazing amount of respect for mother's of children close in age. 

The day: 

I brought baby A home with me and felt good that she was in a good mood. KJ was still sleeping so we hung out on the bed watching a kid show until my lazy head woke up. 

The moment KJ woke up he was extra clingy, climbing on me and holding on to my leg through out the early morning. I'm not sure if it was having baby A around taking some of my attention that made him like this but it took me twice as long to prepare breakfast. 

We ate breakfast in the living room, partly because we are in the process of moving and sold our dining room table. Neither needed help with breakfast which allowed me to eat mine while it was still warm which may not be the case once the infant gets here. Once breakfast was finished I had to clean up and that was a task. I set up toys for them and baby A played while KJ clung to me.

After I got the table and floors were clean, I had to start packing up the diaper bag and getting changed for our 10:30 play date. The dishes didn't get done and while I was getting myself ready the 2 little ones created a bit of a mess by emptying my dresser, taking wipes out of the container and both getting super cranky about wanting a bottle. I didn't have time to clean up the clutter since we had to go the play date and as soon as I got them bucket in and gave them a bottle they were calmed enough for our drive to the playground.

The playground was fun, however extremely challenging. The 18 months age gap meant that they weren't able to do the same things yet they tried. I was very fortunate that my friend K was there to help me keep track of the kiddies. They had fun but got really messy in the process. 

We headed home after playing for almost 2 hours and decided to give the kiddies a quick bath, since we brought half the playground dirt with us. After bath they had lunch and while the kids ate I started cleaning up the dishes left from breakfast and the clutter in the bedroom. I was even able to start a load of laundry. 

By the time lunch was finished and I had straighten up it was already time to go bring baby A back home. Both kids were ready for a nap and slepted the whole 30 minute car ride. 

 On the drive there my stomach started growling which was surprising since we had lunch 2 hours before, that's when I realized that my lunch was still sitting uneaten on the kitchen counter. I was so determined to clean up after the kids that I didn't eat!!! I filled in my friend about the daily adventure and what a good girl baby A was. She offered me money which at first I wasn't going to take but after an exhausting day I decided that I wasn't making dinner that night and we would use the money for take out.  It was the best idea because as soon as my husband was home from work I took a nap. I couldn't imagine doing this every day but I guess I'll have to figure it out soon since baby J is right around the corner and I'll be chasing after 3 kids before I know it! 

Running update and my insane inflatable 5K

Yes I've taken a break from blogging but not a break from running I'm doing so much better now.  I can officially run 4 miles without stopping!!! I've also done a  mile in 9 mins 45 secs; my new goal is 2 miles and 20mins which I hope to accomplish by the end of this month.  At this pace I hope to reach my 6 miles in an hour goal by my 10K in November.  Not only have I been practicing but I've also did a race. The Insane Inflatable 5K in  Atlantic City  is probably the most fun I've ever had running.  It involves about 12 obstacles in between a 3 mile run. There was no time limit but I still ran between obstacles.  I didn't take my camera/phone  with me because I did not know what to expect and did not want to damage it however I will for the next time I do this it was a lot of fun and would have loved to recorded it.  I think Kenny may even do it with me next year he seemed all for it.  

As of today I'm not signed up anything else except for the November 10k  NorcrossBridge Run to support Larc school.   I may look into doing something in September and October as well, it has just been extra busy here. Why do you ask?? Oh because Kenny and I decided to get married this year. No it is not a shotgun wedding but a quick one. None of the big bells and whistles of a regular ceremony/reception but beautiful with family and friends and will be together and that's all that matters.  Since it's only 43 days away I have a lot of planning to do but I'll update that later here are some pictures from the 5K.

Lessons you taught me

Tiffany was student of the week this week and part of it the parent is assign to write a letter to the child which the teacher will read in front of the class. I started with a tearful poem about adoption then wrote a song about Tiffany, since she wants to be a singer. Both ideas didn’t seem to fit me or her but I couldn’t come up with anything else. I went onto Facebook and saw one of my friends posted something funny her child had said. It gave me an idea, Tiffany says funny things all the time! So this is the letter I wrote. Dear Tiffany, I remember the day I first met you, you were an adorable little baby with a huge smile that made others want to smile. I wish then that I would have a beautiful baby just like you someday; didn’t know that God took my words literally. Due to life circumstances I became a mom of a toddler overnight. You didn’t come with an instruction book but you have taught me many lessons along the way. Here are 10 of my favorite things I learned from you. Lesson 1) Children need to be spoke to clearly and defined any big words. Tiffany is throwing her toys into her toy box. Me: “Please put your toys away gently.” Tiffany continues throwing her toys. Me: “Tiffany didn’t you hear me.” Tiffany: “Yes mommy I’m putting away my toys. I don’t know what gently means though.” Lesson 2) Children have a wild imagination. Me: speaking to 3year old Tiffany. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Tiffany: “ A horse.” Me: a little confused, “A horse rider??” Tiffany: “No, A HORSE!” Lesson 3) Children don’t know homonyms. Me: “Tiffany I don’t want to see you walking around in bare feet.” Tiffany: “I’m not walking around in bear feet, I’m walking around in little girl feet.” Lesson 4) Children can make friends easily. Tiffany: “Mommy can I play with my friend over there (pointing at a little girl on the other side of the playground)” Me: “Sure, what’s her name?” Tiffany: yelling at the little girl, “HEY FRIEND, WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” Lesson 5) Children have many, many, many questions, and some answers you aren’t even sure are right. Tiff: "Mommy where do apples come from?" Me: "Apple trees" Tiffany: "Where do apple tress come from?" Me: "Apple seeds" Tiffany: "Mommy where do apple seed come from?" Me: "Apples" Tiff: "Oh mommy"(shakes her head). Lesson 6) Children want to learn Tiffany: "Mommy, I want you to teach me more Spanish." Me: "Que quieres aprender?(what do you want to learn)" Tiffany: "Spanish! I just said that!" Lesson 7) Be careful what you say children are always listening A driver cut me off and I honked the horn; Tiffany "Who was that?" Me "An awful driver!" Tiffany "Oh, she must be from Philadelphia." Lesson 8) Children don’t always want to be the underdog After the Eagles didn't make it to the play off, we decided to cheer for the Jets, since that didn't work out we are cheering for the Saints during the Super bowl. After having to remember a 3rd team this season Tiffany became frustrated and asked, "Mommy can we cheer for a team that wins?!" Lesson 9) Children know a little about math Tiffany: “Daddy how old are you?” Daddy: “5 like you.” Tiffany: “ Oh, you are two 5s?” Lesson 10) Children understand time and are too smart. Got a call from our school district to inform us that due to weather condition there will be no school tomorrow. I let Tiffany know this and she does a little celebration dance. I remind her that she is going to have to make up the day at the end of the year. She states: "At the end of the year, teachers aren't giving homework and class work is usually puzzles unless we watch movies and eat snacks, so I rather make it up then." Tiffany it has been so wonderful being your mom, and I have learned so much from you. You are a wonderful daughter and great big sister. I know you tell me that I miss so much like your first words and first steps, but I have been there for so much. Your first day of school, when you lost your first tooth, your first airplane ride and the first time you called me mommy. Plus I will be there for your first date, your high school and college graduation, your wedding and when you have children of your own. Thank you for all you taught us and will continue to teach us, hopefully you learned a few things along the way too. Love always, Mom

My Birth Story

I keep wanting to write this down, not only to share with friends and family but to have it to remember forever, though I doubt I will ever forget, I mean this is the birth story of my first born (not to be confused with my first child, he is my second ;P) but I don’t want to miss any details of it. I want to put a warning out there, this entry will definitely be TMI and very long. I mean is detailed information about giving life to my son, I love to talk and I’m a nurse so I am trained not to blush or feel shamed when others share information with me so I will likely do the same. Again birth story will probably contain too much information, not intended for those who are weak stomach ;). Is 11 am on November 7, 2012 and my contractions are mild and 10 minutes apart. I’m not stressed or worried I have been having on and off contractions for weeks, and had been to labor and delivery at the hospital on two other occasions. Last time I was there in preterm labor at only 32 weeks, they were able to stop the labor with just two days of constant IV fluids, so my first reaction was to drink more water, dehydration could be causing them. In addition, I wasn’t concern because he was full term, that morning I was 38 weeks pregnant, and with my history of preterm labor and miscarriages, it wasn’t an easy task and I had to take many precautions. My own doctor had only given me hope to last 36 weeks so I was elated everyday I got closer to my due date, now only 2 weeks away. Still so much left to do before those 2 weeks came so I was busy cleaning and organizing about, in addition to expecting a baby; my fiancée, 7 year old daughter and me had just moved to our new home 3 months prior and we still had boxes that needed unpacking, which were hard to finish with a pregnancy and additional precautions. Through out the early afternoon as I continued my doing as much as possible I start noticing that my contractions are not only not going away but actually getting stronger. I pause and time them and now they are only 7 minutes apart. The time I went to the hospital 5 weeks earlier, I was having contractions 4 minutes apart for 2 hrs which is why I went to L&D since then, I have had them but not this strength and any closer than 10 minutes. It is hard to express in words the emotions that go through your head when you think, ‘This may be it.’ There is an excitement, a nervousness, joy, scared, and doubt (I don’t want to go and be disappointed to get sent back home), and more joy and some fear, and more excitement. Yeah, I guess that covers it maybe. I tell Kenny that I think this may be true labor and I don't think he believes me, for one it would be my 3rd time going to labor & delivery floor plus I guess I’m too calm unlike the previous visit plus I had decided yesterday that I was going to have the baby today. Okay, side note from the birth story to the day before. After I voted on Tuesday I told plenty of people that since I had done my civil duty that now I was ready to have the baby. Many got a chuckle out of it but I was serious, I was waiting on him to be 37 weeks to be consider full term and then decided that I wanted to vote since I couldn’t use and absentee ballot for pregnancy. Then I told Kenny my additional reasons. Our daughter Tiffany had off 2 days from school that week, Thursday and Friday, which meant I could go to the hospital, drop her off at a friends or relatives and not have to worry about her missing school. We would then be released from the hospital after two days (because in my mind I had also planned on having a vaginal delivery) and we would have the weekend to get use to having the new baby prior to her going back to school on Monday. I believed this scenario so much that when my mother called me on Tuesday to check on me and asked if I could have the baby on Saturday, because it was her birthday, that I told her no, I couldn’t because he would be born tomorrow ;). Kenny knew about my perfect plan to have KJ on Wednesday so when I told him that I think today was it, he gave me a nod and asked what I wanted for dinner, which at this point was nothing. I start gathering our overnight bags and pack up a few days worth of clothes for Tiffany. At this time Kenny decides that he is going to get a pizza for dinner and leaves the house as my contractions are getting stronger and my patience is wearing thin. When he arrives back with pizza and wings he and Tiff get comfortable in front of the television to eat their meal. Now my contractions are 5 minutes apart and to top it off is snowing outside. I turn off the television at announce that they need to finish eating ASAP because we are going to the hospital. I call Tiff’s godparents to inform them that we will be dropping her off for a few days because we will be having a baby tonight. Finally we are in the car by 5:45, my contractions have been 5 minutes apart for an hour and we are 30 minutes from the hospital. During the drive there I thought the snow storm slowed us down as he hit every bump in the road but when he dropped me off at Labor & Delivery it was only 6:15 pm. I was placed in a triage room and shortly afterwards I had to urinate. I came out and as the triage nurse asked questions I had to urinate again, and again, every 5 minutes or so I had to go. I did the same when the register person came in. After my forth time in the rest room the triage nurse informs me that from what I told her and all my times up to pee she doesn’t think is true labor just a bladder infection. She gives me a specimen cup which I gladly filled for her seconds later. Kenny had decided that since it wasn’t labor he would go to the local pharmacy to get refills of his medications and he would be back shortly. I placed my specimen cup on the sink and waited for the nurse to come to test it, however I heard another pregnant woman cursing and moaning in labor and being placed in the other triage room. Around 7:15 pm I heard the triage nurse give report to her relief during shift change. Nurse: “Patient in room 2 has been in active labor for 6 hrs and we are just waiting for the doctor to check her to get her a room. Patient in room 1 (me) has a UTI, urine specimen in room needs to be tested for doctor to know what meds.” I looked at the specimen cup still sitting on the sink and wish I could test it to know what meds to get because this UTI is becoming increasingly painful. I continue having to go every few minutes and amount of urine is less and less. The triage comes in to take my vitals and tells me the doctor is on his way to check me. She leaves with my urine still sitting on the sink, this is becoming annoying now. At 8 pm on my way back to the hallway bathroom I pass by my nurse and I ask for pain meds for increase “cramping” since I’m now convinced that my contractions are actually an untreated bladder infection. She informs me that the doctor has to check me first as he walks by us and tells me to finish the bathroom and he will check the other room first. I’m slightly annoyed but I don’t want to pee on him and agree. I go to the restroom and there is nothing left to pee, however now I feel like it may be a bowel movement. I don’t try because I don’t want to aggravate anything until the doctor checks. At 8:25 pm, the doctor comes in. I tell him again that I need something for the pain. Doctor: “Yes, bladder infections can be very painful, lets examine you and I’ll start something for you.“ At the words bladder infection I look back at my specimen cup which still mocks me. I hope he doesn’t need results prior to giving me meds. He dons on his gloves and does a vaginal check. He then states that I can't get pain meds because I'm fully effaced, dilated 10 cm, budging and -2, and I need to be placed in a labor room because I’m about to have this baby. At the sound of this information my pain level goes from 5 to 10 and request something, anything for pain. Doctor: “If we give you something this late it won’t take into affect and hurt the baby. Is okay the baby is coming soon.” The triage nurse is in shock and apologizes and informs me that she understood that I had an UTI. I look at the specimen cup and wonder why the hell haven‘t I received my BSN RN already, I was taught not to ASSUME my first day in LPN school. Kenny comes in as they are taking me from the triage room to labor, delivery and recovery room. He is in shock by the all the changes in an hour time. I get to room and the doctor turns me over to a team of nurses, one for me and one for the baby and a nurse midwife. The nurse midwife does another vaginal check and as she reaches my water breaks, lots of warm fluids all over the place and the nurses step into action change all my chuck pads and start getting everything ready. All the sudden I feel an urge to push, (is funny because I seen TLC’s Baby Story and always wonder what an urge to push means). For me it felt like tons of pressure pressing down on my vagina, almost like when you have to poop, but in my case a small watermelon. I was told I had to wait to set me up and I practiced my breathing techniques from childbirth class to help me. I get my blood drawn and IV started, they take out the warmer and start getting everything else ready as Kenny calls my mom to tell her to get to the hospital as soon as she can because the baby is coming now and then we start the pushing. Oh goodness, I could write chapters and chapters on pushing but I will try very hard to keep it to one paragraph. For me half of my labor I thought I was dehydrate and the other half I thought I had an UTI so the hardest part of all was the pushing, more specific, the pushing with no pain medication for 2 1/2 hrs!!! That is 150 minutes of the most strenuous, painful exercise of your life. I started pushing on my back and after 20 minutes the nurse midwife suggested I turn to the right, 20 minutes later turn to the left, we even tried sitting on the toilet for 10 minutes however I watched too many episodes of ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ where newborns fall in the toilet to concentrate on pushing while on the toilet. I was back on the bed when my mom arrived with my aunt to cheer me on, and now I had 3 victims of my rage. I had already yelled at Kenny to help and hold my leg up as I pushed and got very annoyed when I would switch side and he wasn’t over at the other side to help hold my leg again. My mom got my first backlash when she asked where was the doctor; if I was in a rational state of mind I would of explained, calmly, that unless the baby or I are in any sort of distress the midwife would delivery the baby and please don’t mention that so she doesn’t think we think she is incompetent and isn’t offend, however what I actually said (aka yelled) was, “Mom can you please shut up!” My aunt was shortly after when she tried to rub on me and I push her off. My mom again when she got a wet washcloth and tried to wipe off my sweat and I grabbed it wiped it off myself threw it. I started to feel discourage by the second hour and began to cry. Me: “Every time I push I fell him come down and then I stop pushing and he comes back up, I can’t do it.” Midwife: “Honey, you need to stop crying because crying will pull the baby back up, and he is almost here.” Me: “Okay, but can I get an epidural please.” Midwife: “No, you are almost there.” After a few more pushes he passed crowning and a very excited nurse asked me if I wanted to feel his hair. Me: “No, I want you to get him out!” It was my last outburst, all the sudden I felt the burning, painful sensation and she informed me I had to have an episiotomy :( but I didn’t care when within seconds she takes him out and puts him on my abdomen. I started to cry overwhelmed with joy, I made a human! I rubbed his belly as they suctioned his airways and Kenny cut the cord, I was in disbelief, this is my baby, my perfect little boy with all his fingers and toes. They then placed him on the warmer and had two nurses tend to him as the midwife continued with me and I realized that this is where post partum depression starts. Here is why…. As soon as they placed baby KJ on the warmer on the other side of the room, my fiancée, my mom and my aunt; all whom have been paying me the most care, giving me ice chips, rubbing my back, wiping my face, telling me how well I am doing; leave my side and go over with their camera phones and cameras and start taking pictures of the baby as I hear play by play of the footprints, and weight and all the small milestones I’m missing. During this time, I’m in pain, the nurse midwife is helping me deliver the placenta which is done by her, whom prior to this minute had very gentle hands, pushed against my abdomen with all her strength. I whine in pain and my three cheerleaders pay me no mind. After the placenta comes out, my midwife tells me she is going to check for blood clots (extra TMI ), this procedure requires her to place her hand back into my uterus and does a scoop motion, mind you still no pain med and gives me my stitches and I start to cry and still no one pays me any mind. They place me in my permanent room and take KJ along with daddy to get his first bath, get some blood work done, and his first injections. My mom and aunt leave and Kenny is gone with baby KJ for over 2 hrs as I still alone in the room waiting anxiously for there return. Yep, this is where post partum depression starts. Yet for me it is still the best day of my life, especially 2 hrs later when the nurse, Kenny and KJ return. Nurse: “Is your number 65040” Me: “I don’t know, but that’s my baby.” Nurse: “Is on your wrist band.” Me: “65040, okay please hand me my son.” She places him in my arms and it was all so worth it! Nurse: “Okay, lets try breastfeeding.” And that is a whole another story…..